Monday, July 5, 2010

I'd Rather NOT Be Bipolar.

Bipolar disorder has nearly ruined my social status, my relationship, and my life. I just want this to be over. I feel anger and rage even in the smallest argument. I seek revenge on the people I love the most in this world. It took me a while to finally seek out help for my unhappiness and extreme mood swings. I created my own reality. My life as I knew it was a lie. I forged friendships, honors, happiness...EVERYTHING. I hid behind a smile that earned me compliments. I pretended really hard to be happy. I found the love of my life and haven't even been respectful to her. I sought out revenge on her when I personally felt wronged. When life got me down, I took it out on her. But she hasn't left me and now I realize that if I don't start appreciating her, I could very well lose her. I'm soo good at pretending, but when I begin to feel comfortable around people, I unintentionally push them away. Whether it be because of my language and choice of words, or because my anger and self-pity overcomes me.


In my youth, I have done things that I am not proud of. However, I have come far from previous years, but I am still not done. I have a LONG way to go to happiness. but I must learn to love myself before I can love anyone or accept love from anyone else. My whole life I knew something wasn't right, but could never pinpoint where the anger came from. And the saying that misery loves company was quite true in my case. I look back and I am ashamed of how many useless arguments Ive started with my one and only soulmate. Now I am terrified that she may find comfort in someone else's arms.


Even with the much unwanted medications, I still find myself in situations I wish i could undo. I wish I had a remote controlled life, and whenever I stray from the right path, I could simply push the rewind button and try it again, but that's just a fantasy I have that will never be true.


I have to be strong now more than ever, because I'm about to undergo some serious transformations in my behaviors and attitude. I cannot run anymore people out of my life. In my condition, I need as much support as I can get. I have to change my whole way of life and my whole outlook on life. Yesterday I would have said that life is just something you get through until you die and move on into the afterlife. But today, I see life as something to be enjoyed, and not taken for granted. I can't believe how much time I have wasted on useless, unimportant things. I cannot wait for the day I am UNCONDITIONALLY happy, but until that day I have a task to achieve and I cannot fail. I will not fail.

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